When I was a student, I spent a year living and studying in Southern Spain. My apartment overlooked the magnificent view of the Mediterranean Sea. I often found myself hypnotized, staring at the view of the horizon. I was mesmerized as I tried to distinguish where the sea ended and the sky began. Where was the boundary between the two elements? On a clear day it was easy to see the division between the shades of blue, however there were days when they blurred into each other.
Setting boundaries can be confusing and challenging for us at times, however knowing our limits is important - both in our professional and personal relationships, as well as for children too.
In the realm of the personal, I have noticed that many women seem to have lost the ability to maintain proper boundaries or to say ‘No’. Women have inherited a deep-seated legacy of giving to others as nurturers, but this can come at the expense of themselves. Often women do not stop giving until they become totally depleted.
Putting boundaries in place to nourish oneself is a reflection of self-care, but what does this really mean? One of my favourite metaphors for self-care is the safety procedure given on the plane before take-off (yes, I know it has been a while since you flew!) One must make sure to put on one’s own oxygen mask before assisting another. We need to be told this information clearly because our natural inclination is to look after others first. Obviously, all of this can apply to our new age men too.
Learning how to set boundaries is definitely harder to learn as an adult, so we can save our kids a lot of strife if we teach it to them early on.Daniel Siegel explains that setting limits helps children to develop an ‘emotional clutch’ which means redirecting any unwanted behaviour in a more appropriate direction. If a child’s demands are unacceptable the parent needs to set limits which results in the child learning to apply the brakes and redirect their energies. It will inevitably aid them to adopt a more flexible approach to life and teach them to weather any storms in the long run. Our ability as parents to put in place boundaries and rules will in turn teach our children delayed gratification and the ability to control impulses. They should then be able to hear ‘No’ whilst simultaneously maintaining their spirit and belief in themself. This skill will also help them to develop self-regulation. Siegel claims that all this is a necessary component of emotional intelligence.
Whilst the ongoing Covid era has been an immensely difficult period for our children, to say the least, lockdowns, mask wearing and social distancing has taught them to respect the boundaries of others, as well as many of the skills outlined above.
Boundary setting also lends children a structure and framework, thus creating a sense of security. Children thrive when they feel safe and they like the predictability of routine, such as bedtime rituals, despite their outward resistance to it. From a young age we must provide our kids with basic rules and consistency, whenever possible. Although, some kids need more boundaries than others which I found out myself when one of my children was just five.
I had sent my daughter to a local Jerusalem kindergarten, which was a happy place, although I was concerned that it seemed to lack formal structure. Every morning, there was free play for the first hour till all the kids had arrived. It was a little overwhelming for her to have to choose what to play with and I often used to stay and help her choose specific activties. In retrospect, I came to realise that she felt a lack of control over her environment, when years later she expressed to me that she never once succeeded in getting a toy buggy to play with. (She is a gentle type whereas the other children appeared more assertive - a cultural difference, no doubt!) The following year, I sent her to a kindergarten where the nursery teacher was well known for being rather rigid with her rules and even though the parents were intimidated, my daughter loved her. There was clear structure both in the timing and the use of the play. Every day the children would rotate from the book corner to the toy kitchen to the construction area and so on. Thus, ‘free’ play was clearly defined and this gave my daughter a sense of security and mastery over her environment, which was lacking beforehand. She has very fond memories of that year and had many chances to play with the buggies, which was a reparative experience indeed.
Boundary setting in a professional capacity can be tricky, particularly when working with other human beings! It is even more challenging when working in a Jewish community where people tend to share a context or live in close proximity to each other. As a therapist, it is vital to have a code of ethics to follow as well as a supervisor to help one maintain objectivity when the boundaries could become blurred. I could give endless examples of issues with boundaries I have encountered over the years. Needless to say bumping into clients in the local supermarket or school meetings are par for the course, however some situations are nuanced and require thinking on one’s feet as to how to tackle them.
Once when I was working in Jerusalem, I had a rather emotionally dysregulated young client who asked me to lend her money to pay her taxi fare, having turned up half an hour late to the session. This was only our second session and I did not know her yet, although I already had a sense that she struggled with boundaries. When I explained that I could not lend her the money, partially because I was working in an agency whose policy would not allow this, she grew very angry with me and became verbally aggressive. After a few minutes of huffing and puffing, she walked out and said she would not be coming back. This was tough for me because in normal circumstances I would have lent her the money and naturally I felt bad. My supervisor reassured me and advised me to wait a couple of days before calling her. When I did, I told her that I would be awaiting her the following week at the same time and that I hoped we would have longer together.
The week after, to my surprise, she returned and was on time for her session. This kind of boundary setting was important for her because it taught her that one can be firm, whilst still providing compassion, lack of judgment and a safe space. Perhaps this experience provided her with the ‘emotional clutch’ that she did not learn to apply as a child.
Nevertheless, I believe that we need to be flexible in our approach to boundaries and each case is highly individualistic. Recently, I waived the rule of charging a fee to a longstanding client, who cancelled me last minute, three days running. She was obviously in crisis mode and I did not want to add to her level of distress, and after all it is my job to be empathic!Just like Hashem, who extends the deadline of our impending judgment on Rosh Hashana and then gives us multiple chances to make teshuva with the Ten days, Yom Kippur and then Hoshana Raba, (and some say Chanuka) we must emulate this kind of benevolence and endeavour to be accommodating to others where necessary, despite our clearly defined boundaries.
Moreover, sometimes we have to improvise on the spot and make a judgment call because we do not live in a black and white world. Often we find ourselves lost in the misty, grey fog, lacking clarity as to where the boundary lies.
Just like my enigmatic horizon, sometimes, there is no distinct definition. And even when it appears beautifully crystal clear, really it is illusory, for the horizon does not actually exist. Rather it is an imaginary line that we have drawn in our own subjective minds and so we must be bravely take a leap of faith, whether as parents or professionals, to exist between those perplexing, blurry lines.
Written by Maria Beider